Misplaced Anger and Displaced Emotions

Sometimes I get so pissed at the small things while shunting my mind away from the big one's. 

It has taken me years to stand up and say I deserve better. Years to say “I’m so angry that you didn’t treat me better.” So many incidents before I could just stop giving a flying fuck about what repurcussions my reactions may have. But until i reached that stage (and thank goodness I reached that stage), i used to take it all in. Just because they were coming from near and dear one's (or atleast I assumed them to be).

So it was mostly incoming from them.. through all the harsh words, broken promises and the false beliefs that warped my worldview. And I accepted them out of whatever misplaced belief i had. But good God, the rage I could summon at a perfect stranger who drove precariously close to the sidewalks. Like, dude, this is not your road, other people walk on that thing you are barging on, if yu have a car drive like a freakin PERSON or dont drive at all yu piece of driving shit!

Clearly, I needed to work on spending my emotional energy more wisely. 

The question is, have I ?

You are all i am and hope to be, Ma:)

A BIG cyber hug and tons of birthday wishes to one the most beautiful and remarkable woman I’v known in my life. The most honest person I’v come across, an awe-inspiring perfectionist, and hands down, the Bestest Chef ever and so much more.

Life flies by and we find ourselves thousands of miles away from the ones we love. It is especially hard on birthdays when we want to simply pop in and hug you in person and take you out. I know I seem too caught up in my own little world sometimes, (hmmph, Aaj kal ke bacche I tell yu :P), but the truth is, I wish you knew how much you are loved even when those who love you are far away.

Ma, I just made a not-so-awesome version of the chicken curry you make, the other day. :)  I love making stuff that you taught me how to make. Because every time I do, it reminds me of you. I think of you when I fold my hands in prayer or wear  any flowery kurti, because it is SO you.

Mom, thank you over and over for everything you do and everything you are... Thank you for loving me through every tantrum (even though I don’t believe that I could possibly throw fits!), every mood swing (what!?) and anything I ever did that caused you worry or concern or heartache.

Aap awesome ho :) Happy Birthday!

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye

Not written by me. but hey, its almost like Leonard Cohen could read my mind while penning this down :) this just...makes me smile..a little sad, yes.. but mostly smile in nostalgia....this song really flipped my troubles away through a pretty hard time  :)

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,

your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,

yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,

in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,

but now it's come to distances and both of us must try,

your eyes are soft with sorrow,

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time,

walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme

you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,

it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,

but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,

your eyes are soft with sorrow,

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,

your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,

yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,

in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,

but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,

your eyes are soft with sorrow,

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

- Leonard cohen.

A furry angel,the savage beast and the undefined

 

He towered over them. Savagely, looking wild and yet so hurt…

His eyes, the shade of dark red, were seething. Emanating a dull fervour of ferociousness and something that wasnt just hunger, anger, lust or anything else.

She stayed put, pinned to the ground, trembling as she watched him rip the men apart.

The human instinct in her should have been horrified and appalled at his reckless, scary demeanour as his eyes met hers. And she was. 
She was terrified to the core..  But more from the reasons that may have made him like this...

She  should have stopped.

She should have run for her life while she still could..

But when has "should" made sense in love?

She should have… but she couldn’t.

She couldn't leave.

She couldn't leave him there alone.

Amidst the raw, displaced acts of treachery he exuded..She could sense the flicker of confusion on his face.

Almost as if he was tired of himself, tired of his nature, tired of his cruelty.

He was hurt, she could tell and so was she.. only, she would probably be his next victim of redemption once he was through with them. Yet she had the urge touch his hurt face and take away the pain that flowed like craters on the moon..

And as their faces came closer, his teeth snared, unapologetic, while her eyes widened in fear.. and a strong bout of absolute tenderness..

And just seconds away from a probable gruesome death… it dawned on her… This wasn't the fear of him.. it was the fear of not fearing him. 
Not fearing her death, if it meant his life. 
If it meant his redemption. 
If it meant his healing.

Only time would tell what this beast really wanted.

What he really was. 

But as of that very second, he was her undoing.

The "timing" curse.

Right timing

Wrong timing

Bad Timing

Sad Timing

Is it even for real? 

I think its just an excuse for not accepting the way things turned out. and while it does help when trying to motivate ourselves. it mostly has delusional repercussions. Where we stop being objective and seeing things for what they are. Like the time i chose to be all ignorant while going through the lowest points of my relationship and not addressing the absolute lack of anything in it,  partly cuz i assumed it to be this shitty  phase and partly blamed bad timing for it. 

i mean, even when that low phase hit an all time low and  streched out my feelings like a rubber band and basically made me question my own worth, all i did was be like,*high pitched stern voice* - " Goodness woman, get over yourself, remember the last time a relationship got messed up because you were trying to be over-protective and cautious.. let it be... let things take its own course..gowith the flow.. let the good times come..let the sun stroll in and shine again.. and it will be all roses all over.. And bubbly And happy...blah blah blah..wala walah walah..." 

BULL. CRAP.

Incase you are wondering, The sun did shine. Infact it shone hard and stern and vengeful upon me. 

FOR 4 LONG EXCRUCIATING MONTHS. 

BURNED.

With gory shades of Black.

And blue. 

And sore. In a non-sexual and Creepy way. Where i recieved a blood written threatening letter from the guy and scared the hell out of me.

 Just becuz i was looking for the good times to come along and and make our world pretty again. So much for waiting for GOOD Timing. 

So there might be a million reasons or there might be just one, behind why my relationships did not see the happy ending they initially swept me away with. But bad timing? can never be one of them. 

When you are in love, the basics do not need waiting upon NOR working upon. Its already there, giving us eebie-jeebies every once in while, making their loving presence felt. Making us hold on. Love on.

And, unless that basic feeling is there there ISN'T any point in holding on. there ISN'T  a good timing or bad timing to break up. Just do it. And this is me basically talking to myself and getting this through my thick head full of fairytale mumbo-jumbo. 

When you really love someone, it is simple.

You deserve something amazing. And so does he. And, it might seem a lil scary right now but i am gonna be there and i will totally impersonate Gandalf's booming voice everytime i say "shut up"  to each of your faar-fetched fairytale notions. I promise. Pinky Swear. By the power of sisterhood. Honest.

So fuck timing and just DO it karishma. Do it and the hit the shopping stores already before the sale runs out!