The Flaw in Being Flawed.

Most people don't cheat because they are cheaters.

They cheat because they are people. They are driven by hunger or for the experience of someone being hungry once more for them. They find themselves in friendships that take an unintended turn or they seek them out because they're horny or drunk or damaged from all the stuff they didn't get when they were kids. 

There is love. There is Lust.

There is opportunity.

There is alcohol.And youth. And middle age.

There is loneliness and boredom and sorrow and weakness and self destruction and idiocy and arrogance and romance and ego and nostalgia and power and need.

There is the compelling temptation of intimacies with someone other than the person with whom one is most intimate.

Which is a complicated way of saying it's a long damn life.

And people get mucked up in it from time to time.

Even the people you marry.

Even Us.

And sometimes, even years later...penning down about it ends with a flick of a tear .

Circumstantial Passive Belief Triggered by Circumstances

In me are the bones

of a better person than this.

To Be Or Not To Be..Available

It is interesting how easily we forget that existence and availability are wildly separate. 

You may exist for someone, but only your availability to them when they need you differentiates whether they are a stranger, an acquaintance or a beloved.

And it is  Never a state of being.

It's always a choice.

To Be Or Not To Be

August 2018 - Sighnaghi,Georgia

The one thing more important than existence is availability for another. 

The conundrum lies in,''To be.. or not to be'.

The Wedding Song

Vs

Hot Mess and Proud

To feel intensely - symptom of weakness, or the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate? 

 Is the empath who is broken, or is it the socienty  that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled?

From the Pages of the Book I Will Never Write

Two lost hikers

In the rain

With wet matches 

One gives up thinking, I have been too cold and in the dark for two long

The other goes, I have been too cold and in the dark for too long to not try every damn match.

Warriors

I see the dents and the worn edges of your heart.

And I want to run away since it reminds me of my own.

But a stronger voice inside me knows that If you would let me, I would never let you fight another battle alone.

My Forever.

I may be little.

But not my heart.

Not my love.

My mind may be impatient

but not my heart

not my love.

And in this world of cheap wine and fast love,

While some people don't endure.

Some feelings just do.

Stuff Heartbreaks Are Made Of.

..when you made me feel

that my hand isn't worth holding

and my lips aren't worth tasting

and my heart isn't deserving of our love..

Saajna

                                                                                         

Perception

I have had my trappings.

And while one looked at it as a prison,

another upheld it as a sanctuary.

Who would choose to remain a building when given the option of being a sanctuary?

Would you?

The Photograph behind a Photograph

The one thing my little hypochondriac  heart will aways hold on to- 

Is that one photo I took across different colours of our life.

The one brimming with kindness. And another overflowing with love.

Still another chanelling a whacko. And then some more of the above. 

I will always hold on to them. 

to always remember the exact person I loved at that moment.

My God,

I was so proud to hold your hand. 

Mathematics of Cupidity

I cannot possibly quantify 

the measure of time

or the pace with which it flows through me

I cannot justify the reasons why

or the duration that is dwells within

All I can comprehend in terms of any form of

mathematics of  this  life

are the times your hand is holding my hands and the times it is not.

Sometimes it takes two to be Alone

You are alone now and the curtains are drawn and the sun is shining outside and you will not see it for days.

You are alone now and trying to be stronger than you have any right to be 

You are alone now and waiting for the moment when even though you are alone, you do not feel it as much. 

You are alone now and looking for a way through the grass and the reeds and the ghosts and the sound of the crickets and the sight of me leaving. 

You are alone now and haunted by the past and what was and what could be. 

You are alone now and wondering where the time went and who it went with. 

You are alone now and your fingers are alone and your breath is alone and now you can get everything you wanted to do done and tick everything off the magic list you said you had, the one you said will eventually make you happy. 

You are alone now and trying to define the exact moments you miss, the slow movement of someone else’s hand across your skin that you keep coming back to. 

You are alone now and your hand touches empty air when you move it, to remember.

You are alone now and now you can do everything you couldn’t do with me, except be with me. 

Because I am alone now, too.

#noirseries #Iwrotethisforyou

Fortitude

#NoirSeries

Did you think I would hurt forever?

This is what survival looks like.

Untitled.

How light this anchor

feels,

how strong the

current.

You Cannot Create A Monster And Then Condemn It

With every storm you brought over the years,

First the window panes shattered.

Then the paint peeled.

then the cement wore out.

And when I asked you to call me home, 

you reminded me that I was only a building that deserved to wait.

Guilty

With you, I do not just smile. I

 glow.

With you, I do not just cry. 

I pour.

Without you, I don't just yell. 

I burn.

The Funeral

And maybe I ‘ll walk around, and huddle in a corner of the street 

because there is nothing to go home to

And maybe I’ll speak at length to strangers, hear them talk about what love and life means to them

because I am not sure what it means to me anymore after you

And maybe I will book a one way ticket and get away from the dustorm of late monday nights and early tuesday mornings 

Because ‘we’ may be dead in the real world but we live on in between my nights and mornings

And maybe.. just maybe I will keep my phone on, just incase you call. Just incase you call me to tell me there is something to come home to.

Intention Vs Action

... and the worst part is that we do not suffer the repurcussions of out good intentions. We suffer the consequences of our actions. The ones we took. And the ones we never did.

When Silence is an Enemy

But you already knew that the dark doesn't make the bruises disappear.

It just makes them harder to see.

Just like you knew already, that the silence doesn't make everything right again.

it just makes it easier to not say anything else.

No. This is what is really important.

Everyday.


The world nudges me , sometimes subtly, while in others, grabs me and drags me by my hand, screaming in my ear- This is important! That is what you need to work on!This is urgent! What the f*** are you doing? THAT is what you need to worry about! And then this too!And that too!

And everyday,


I make the choice of whether I want to be lead by it or jerk my hand away, place it on my heart and say No. This is what is really important.

Perspective

And as I stepped off the metro today in an unplanned early return to my country, feeling limited by my passport and small due to the events of the last few days, I headed home. My head hurt, my heart ached, and I was dizzy with a mixture of skewed and screwed up emotions involving a sad kind of happy and a happy kind of sad. As per my usual returning-home routine, I popped into my regular local grocery store for a quick Cola stash and ran into Rajesh, the ever smiling delivery boy who is also probably the only person who has been privy to exactly how far my cola fetish has progressed (read : regressed) over the last few years.

With a sad smile, he asked about my travels and joked about my frequent acts of disappearances from the city. He was clearly perturbed and I was honestly in no mood of listening, but having been on the other side of a communication firewall wall since the last 72 hours, I asked him what was wrong. 

Sad Rajesh urgently recounted tales from his impoverished rural village in Haryana of a scandal involving a boy and his sister-in-law, both underage, who were in love and ran away. A friend of theirs promised to lend enough money to get them to the nearest city—either Calcutta or Delhi—to find any work. But something went wrong at the decisive moment. As they left the village for their new world, the friend had no money to spare. So the young couple, chastened, doomed, had no choice but to return. They were separated on arrival and beaten mercilessly for their transgression, and their families were each ordered, by the village council, to pay a hefty fine, compensation for the lost honour. I asked him how much money they needed in order to start their new life: It was nothing more than twenty American dollars. Rs 1300 INR. 

After considerable persuasion,I handed him the money and we both laughed about me adding a cola tab for him so he could reduce alcohol but retain the detrimental effects and effectively save more money for such life altering situations.. 

I  walked back home, ruminating in silence at the things I had lost and gained. My glass was not half full nor half empty, it was twice as big as it needed to be. 

The Conundrum.

Sometimes, the answer to the question, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Is both, “Seeing them again,” and “Never seeing them ever again.”

My Immortal

You are gone

but thank you for all the soft and sweet things you have left behind

...in thier homes

... in thier mind

... in thier heart

The word for your passing on into another world is not death.

It is this.

Immortalised. 

Back to Basics

Music Discovery of the Day

MXMS- Omg

The Tricks That Memories Play

He is a lesser mortal

than the

aggrandized memories you recall.

The higher you place him 
on a pedestal,

the bloodier will be the fall

The Curse of ‘But..’

Do not let mixed signals fool you.
Indecision is a decision.

Not A Sad Story

Once upon a time,

You were the stubborn pumping of this aching heart.

When I would dismantle myself to put you back together again.

And I did.

But this isn't a sad story.

Once upon a time, I wanted to have with you, what the stars share with the sky.

Then life happened

and in the poetic fashion that all tragedies bear,

 it tore me down to ribbons

while I watched it dance in the wind.

But this isn't a sad story.

Everytime I oscillated between

 feeling complete inside to completely empty and then whole again

I knew,maybe for the first time, 

what pure, unadulterated love felt like

Everytime I saw you brave uncharted territories 

with your head held firm yet high

I knew, maybe for the first time, 

what pride felt like.

Everytime I held your hand when you gave me reasons to walk away

I knew, maybe for the first time

what commitment felt like

And the only time, I willingly told you to go to another,

only so you could potentially find your happiness

I knew, maybe for the first time, 

what sacrifice felt like

This is not a sad ending.

So what if it isn't a happy one either.

Read. Introspect. Leave.

Just because someone desires you does not mean they value you.

Read it over.

Again.

Let those words resonate in your mind.

Stormweaver

Athens, Greece

Dark clouds rumble in the distant sky

Whispering tales of the places it has seen

When the sky goes dark, I think of you

(.. and then the storm begins)

The Only Person Stopping You Is You.

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

You're allowed to leave any story you don't find yourself in

You're allowed to leave any story you don't love yourself in

You're allowed to leave a city that has dimmed your lights instead of making you shine brighter, you're allowed to pack your bags and start over somewhere and redefine the meaning of your life.

You're allowed to quit the job you hate, even when the world warns you against it.

You're allowed to leave someone you love if they're treating you poorly.
You're allowed to put yourself first if you're settling and you're allowed to walk away when you have tried over and over again and nothing has changed.

You're allowed to let toxic friends go and you're allowed to surround yourself with love and people who nurture you.

You’re allowed to forgive yourself for your biggest and smallest mistakes and 
you’re allowed to be kind to yourself, 
you’re allowed to look in the mirror and actually like the person you see.

You’re allowed to set yourself free from your own expectations.

We sometimes look at leaving as a bad thing or associate it with giving up or quitting, but sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Leaving allows you to change directions, to start over, to rediscover yourself and the world. Leaving sometimes saves you from staying stuck in the wrong place with the wrong people.

Leaving opens a new door for change, growth, opportunities and redemption.

You always have the choice to leave until you find where you belong and what makes you happy.

You’re even allowed to leave the old you behind and reinvent yourself.

- Rania Naim

The Ending Without An Ending

you and me

and never us

a complicated series of

almost interactions

The Worst Thing You Could Ever Say

I believe there is nothing quite so important than 

emptying your heart every single day and 

leaving nothing undone, 

no declarations of it unsaid.
The worst thing you could ever say
is not saying a word.

RIP undone decisions and unsaid words

Situationship

I miss you

in the tiniest moments

through random minutes

between the seconds.

and  of all the ways I could relay this,

texting is the least spirited

and words fall short, lost in translation.

Technology: so fucking limited

Tonight

The windowpane lets the moonlight in

while the mattress holds your form

The sheets covers your naked skin

the blankets keep you warm

I am here to hold you still

You're here to test my will

but the morning comes far too soon,

let'sleep on through the dawn

A promise made in fading light

tomorrow will come, but first tonight

A Thousand Years

So you lost someone you loved. 

To time, to crime, to science,  to space.

You should know that this was not the first time you loved them.

You have loved them multiple times before.

This was not the first time you both stumbled through circumstances to meet each other again.

And you both felt it faster, each time through.

And all it took was two sets of two pairs of eyes

meeting through the layers of lost lifetimes and stolen glances

and hands held among expressions of love.

and the unrelenting tide of waiting,

to set your world on fire once again, brighter than before.

So you lost someone you loved in this lifetime.

In some other lifetime, it ends differently. 

In some other lifetime, it does not end.

*Hugs*