Intentional Dissonance

It’s a feeling she misses. 

She made lists of things she wanted to feel when she was younger, big things, small things, ice, snow, the sand at the beach, someone else’s hands holding hers, feeling her, feeling them, a feedback loop of feelings, which is what happens when two people make love. 

She wanted to feel things that made her  feel safe and scared and things that ripped her heart out of her chest, things that made her want to go home and things that made her want to travel, things that made her  proud and things that made her regret her choices and she, like all people, slowly ticked these things off the list in her head as she lived, as the world turned until soon, there were very few things left to feel.

Hello 

She believed the last thing she would feel, would be nothing, as that was nearly impossible to feel unless you were dead or hadn’t been born yet. She wondered what it’d be like to not be able to wonder

Cuddler Vs Sprawler

Do you know how often
I speak to you
when you're not here?
Sometimes even when you are here but oblivious.
How often I
Mouth words and phrases to the space you should be filling?

And evertime you push my hand away from yours or disengage your feet from mine...
do you know how my heart breathes out a heavy sigh at the ways it is deprived?

The things we do to protect the people we love.

The Flaw in Being Flawed.

Most people don't cheat because they are cheaters.

They cheat because they are people. They are driven by hunger or for the experience of someone being hungry once more for them. They find themselves in friendships that take an unintended turn or they seek them out because they're horny or drunk or damaged from all the stuff they didn't get when they were kids. 

There is love. There is Lust.

There is opportunity.

There is alcohol.And youth. And middle age.

There is loneliness and boredom and sorrow and weakness and self destruction and idiocy and arrogance and romance and ego and nostalgia and power and need.

There is the compelling temptation of intimacies with someone other than the person with whom one is most intimate.

Which is a complicated way of saying it's a long damn life.

And people get mucked up in it from time to time.

Even the people you marry.

Even Us.

And sometimes, even years later...penning down about it ends with a flick of a tear .

Circumstantial Passive Belief Triggered by Circumstances

In me are the bones

of a better person than this.

To Be Or Not To Be..Available

It is interesting how easily we forget that existence and availability are wildly separate. 

You may exist for someone, but only your availability to them when they need you differentiates whether they are a stranger, an acquaintance or a beloved.

And it is  Never a state of being.

It's always a choice.